Same time next year

My sister and I buy our card wallets and other pouches from That’s Ferntastic, a one-person small business that closed a few years ago. I could rave about Fern, her products, and her amazing customer service for hours, but that’s actually not what I came here to talk about.

For the last couple of years, this has been my wallet:

Except now it looks like this so it’s time to replace it.

Black Swan’s wallet is also getting a bit threadbare so I reached out to Fern to see what fabric she’s got laying around. In particular, dinosaurs.

Fern sent me a few options and honestly if I was loaded, I’d have a dozen of these little pouches and would coordinate them with my mood. Or outfit. Sadly, I’m not loaded, so I needed to make a choice.

I loved the first fabric she showed me, but it was pink and purple. I live and work as a man now. Isn’t it bad enough I still wear shirts with cats and unicorns on them? Do I need to make it even more confusing for people by clipping a little pink dinosaur to my pants every day?

So, I looked at the more sensible fabrics. Fern offered to stop in at Spotlight, so I combed through their selection for darker, more masculine colours. I decided I needed two pouches, as I’m budgeting in cash now, and I found a pair of dinosaur prints I thought were perfect together.

Turned out one of the fabrics I chose was flannelette and would wear out in about five seconds.

Back to looking through fabrics.

The cute AF pink and purple dinosaurs were the clear winners. I wanted them. But I also get really really tired of not being seen for the gender I am on the inside. I decided to get an additional pencil pouch made – I can have my purple dinosaurs at home, just for me.

I sent my sensible guy selection to Fern, but then while she was in her crafting room she found this other fabric I fell in love with back when I made my very first order. And there was just enough to make a little card wallet. And you know what? It really wouldn’t match either of the darker dinosaur prints I thought I should be leaning toward. But the bloody pink and purple girly-pop dinosaurs totally would. And then I’d have two sets of matching mini and regular sized pouches.

But more importantly – I was much happier thinking about a set of blue splodges and pink dinos than a set of more serious, more adulty, colours. I knew what I wanted. Why was I letting myself get so tangled up about it? I promised myself when I started my transition, that I would be true to myself. Performing masculinity for others is just as bad as performing the femininity expected of my birth sex.  

Why am I telling you this?

Because whilst most of my readers are cisgender, we all struggle to be true to ourselves on some level. We all say stupid shit to ourselves like “I’m too old for that” or “if I was thinner…” or “what will people think?”

Why do you give a fuck what people think? It’s not their life. It’s yours, and you’re not getting a do-over. You are the person who spends the most time with you. You are the person using your belongings—paying for your belongings! —so for the love of all that’s holy, make your choices with you in mind! They don’t have to think that shirt looks good on you, or that piercing is attractive, or your hair is age appropriate.

And they don’t have to understand why, as a transgender man, I have pink and purple dinosaurs on my key ring and occasionally still wear dresses.

To check out more of Fern’s work, you can find her through her Facebook page: That’s Ferntastic. I can’t rate her products or service highly enough!

Miriam Caelus is a 37 year old trans guy living on Wangal Country with his husband, three daughters, two cats, and two smelly little rescue birds. He’s an author, disability support mentor, vegan, avid planner, and witch.