Was it the abuse?

And why you should stop asking that.

I’m transgender. I’ve got a confused/disorganised attachment style, which tells you a lot if you’re into that stuff, and I was groomed and kept as a much older man’s toy for a bit over five years in my late teens.

The second someone learns this about me, the question comes: “Do you think that’s what made you transgender?”

When a man rapes a lesbian to “fix” her we all recognise that’s horrific. We’re all to the point where we understand that there isn’t one special woman that will turn a gay man straight. We get that homosexuality is not contagious and is not a disease that can be cured. And if you’re straight, no amount of kissing people of the same gender is going to have you switch sides – whether you consent to those kisses or not.

Now, I’m not saying that there’s never been a case where a person’s identity has changed in response to trauma. Some experiences are so severe that they can alter your brain – of course that could potentially affect how someone identifies!

With that said, the majority of the time queer people are just queer.

Fortunately for my own sanity, I have clear memories of questioning my gender as a child, however, even if I didn’t, I’d be advocating for people to stop asking trans people this question. Here’s why:

1. The question implies that being transgender is a bad thing. It implies that the trans person is somehow broken, unnatural, or misguided.
2. Questioning if trauma (especially violent or sexual trauma) has made someone trans is giving power to their abuser.

Even in the small percent of cases where trauma might have influenced a person’s gender identity, it’s neither helpful nor healthy to attribute this core part of a victim’s personhood to their abuser. What a great way to make a person hate themself!

I’ve had it suggested to me that I’m transitioning because I want to get as far as possible from womanhood so that I can’t be victimised again… Men get raped too.

I’ve had it suggested that I’m transitioning because the women in my life “let me down” as a child. As if the men also didn’t let me down. Listen, if this is all it took to make someone trans, we would be much more than 1% of the population.

I understand that the desire to fix us comes from a place of compassion most of the time, but we’re not broken. Nobody did this to me. There’s nothing wrong with me. Being transgender isn’t a problem. It’s not a trauma response or a coping mechanism or a rejection of a type of woman I don’t want to be. It’s not about wants, because it’s not a choice. It’s about who we are and who we’re not.

And my abuser? He’s not god. He didn’t make me this way.