You can call her pretty

Last year, before I came out as non-binary, I had an interesting interaction with a friend. I’d grown part of my hair during lock down, keeping the rest short. Anyway, we were walking together and she was like “I know it’s a bad thing to say, but that cut looks really feminine.”

My honest off the cuff comment was “I was going for edgy or cool, but thank you.”

At the time I was left wondering if she could tell I’m queer, and that’s why it was bad to say I looked feminine. Like she didn’t want to misgender me, but the compliment still needed to be given or something. Seriously, no one was surprised when I came out, so that was the most logical answer to me.

Fast forward to today, when I finally understood what that earlier conversation was about. The kids had a charity mufti day. For my North American mates, that’s where you take a gold coin donation to school and you get to wear your home clothes instead of your school uniform. Now this isn’t just parental bias, my youngest child is adorable. Fact. She has the cutest heart face, big brown eyes, long straight honey blond hair that today was in high piggy tails for cuteness 5000. She had on a whimsical dress and her twinkle toes shoes, and she’s zipping along on her scooter, keen get to school and show her best friend, when we run into my friend and her kid making their way to school.

My friend can’t handle how sweet Elen is, and hell, neither can I. So she compliments Elen who yells over her shoulder “thank you” and “I know!”

Then my friend she says to me “I know it’s bad to say but she’s so pretty. We can’t say that anymore, but gosh she’s beautiful.”

I wish I’d had a cup of coffee already so I could have said the things I’m going to say here.

You can call her beautiful. You can tell her she’s pretty. Especially if she’s very obviously put an effort into her appearance. It was never about not telling girls they look nice. The important thing is that’s not the only thing you tell her. It can’t be the only thing her community ever compliments her on.

Tell her she’s pretty, but tell her she’s so fast on her scooter today too.

Tell her she’s pretty, but notice when she’s mastered a new skill.

Tell her she’s pretty, and compliment how strong she is, because those legs! Those abs! That muscular back! Don’t you wish you were half as strong as her?

Yes, tell her she’s pretty, that her makeup is artwork. But ask her about her other art as well.

Ask her about her favourite book.

Ask her what superpower she would choose.

Tell her that her happiness is shining out and infecting you.

And, tell him that he’s pretty too!

There’s nothing wrong with verbally acknowledging that a girl, woman, or feminine presenting person is pretty. The problem comes when that’s the only thing she hears. When that’s the only time people notice her. The problem is when her worth is based around what she looks like. When she’s objectified.

No one is saying “never call a girl pretty” or “it’s bad to be feminine,” they’re saying it’s weird and effed up that society tells little girls their appearance is the thing that matters most while they tell little boys that they are strong and funny and their interests are cool and they tell little enbies that they’re confused, abnormal, or simply don’t exist.

No one is erasing women. As a non-binary person, I hear that worry a lot. But the fear of gender neutral language is manufactured. It’s not real. It’s not true. I don’t want to take femininity away from my daughters. I don’t want my girl friends to lose their gendered safe-spaces. I just want to exist in your reality. I want to be seen, and be safe. I don’t want you to stop being a woman, I want you to stop seeing me as one.

Some things are, by our society’s standard, feminine. That’s not bad! We are fighting for the day when “girl” isn’t an insult. When feminine and girly aren’t the worst possible thing a person (especially a person assigned male) can be. Feminine isn’t an insult and no one is telling you not to say it.

Words have the meaning we give them. It’s only bad if you make it so.

Miriam Cumming is a fantasy author based in Sydney, Australia. Ne has three pretty little girls, a beautiful husband, and two feline overlords. When ne isn’t writing, Miriam enjoys journaling, witchcraft, coffee and video games. (Currently playing Horizon Zero Dawn and Divinity 2)