Help! My child wants to change their name

Ooph, this is a loaded time for personal identity at the Cumming residence.

But it’s an issue as old as time right? The thing jokes are made of.

It’s also divisive as fuck. As someone who has legally changed their name, I have only one option: support. If I don’t, I’m a hypocrite. But I know from personal experience that most people are not going to support my child. Because of her age, and the high likelihood of this being a phase, even people who would support her as an adult won’t give her that respect as a child. In general, society has very little respect for children.

Let’s dig in deeper. I’ve asked her why, trying to keep my tone curious instead of critical. She says she just likes her new name better. It’s cooler. A teacher called her it by mistake and she felt good hearing it. This name makes her happy. No shade on the name we gave her. Okay then.

Cementing this, the kids watched Peter Rabbit 2 on the weekend, wherein one of the Bunnies changes her name. She knows choosing a new name is a thing that is possible, and has a name she prefers to be called. Voicing that desire is the logical next step.

When you think about it, children control very little about their own lives. It’s one of the biggest causes for  tantrums. No one wants to feel controlled, we all want to feel free. If the rules or routine is too strict, children fight back.

Choice is something you have to actively teach children, too. When you first start giving them options, they struggle hard. On the flip side, sometimes giving the illusion of choice brings a disproportionate amount of peace. For example, asking “do you want nachos or burritos?” isn’t a real choice. It’s a super similar dish. They’re still getting beans and tomatoes for dinner. But they will eat those beans with much more gusto if you serve the meal they believe they have chosen.

Watching my other kids embrace this change of name has been heartening. Even if she doesn’t keep her new name, all three of them have learnt a lesson about respect and self determination. When they slip up, they apologise, correct themselves, and keep playing. It’s seamless. They aren’t making it a big deal, because unlike adults, children realise that this actually isn’t a big deal. There’s no crisis here.
There’s just one little human taking control of her own identity.

My first, internal, reaction wasn’t positive. But, like I find myself doing all the time on this parenting journey, I ask myself: Why does it matter? Who is she hurting? Is this any of my business?

And no, it doesn’t matter. Her name doesn’t affect me at all. If she keeps it, eventually I will have to do the paperwork and pay the $50 to update her government files, but that’s what? An afternoon of effort. The costumes I have to make for school are a lot bigger pain in my arse and they bring only a few hours of happiness. She’s not hurting anyone else either. I don’t see the harm. It’s nobody’s business but her own.

Does it hurt me to call her a different name for a week, then change back once I’ve trained myself if she changes her mind? Not particularly. It might be a tad annoying, but in case you didn’t know, children are annoying. It’s in their nature. This would not be a higher level of annoying than I deal with in any given week.

I don’t have all the answers, but this is what’s happening, and this is my thought process. As parents, we can only ever hope we are doing the right thing.

Miriam Cumming, mum of three, is an author, wife, and witch, living in Sydney Australia. She’s drowning in the details. Always learning. Trying to do a decent job and be a better person. Without coffee, none of this would be possible.

Thank you for reading xx