Is it time to quit, or is it just burnout?

Not looking for advice, just ranting.

I returned to work this week (after six weeks off) expecting the usual struggles: Extended time in front of a screen tends to give me headaches, eye strain, and muscle soreness. Difficulties staying focused. Feeling like I’ve been at my desk forever when in reality it’s been about 90 minutes. That’s normal. And it’s usually off-set by a deep enthusiasm to create. When I’m not writing, I crave it. Not writing increases my anxiety and irritability. I need to work.

And yet, now I finally have the opportunity, I’m struggling. I’d rather do anything else.

I’m battling extreme cynicism.

What’s the point? I ask myself. I could throw my career in the bin tomorrow and nobody would care. I won’t have leagues of angry fans trash-talking me on FB if I never finish this series. The people I write for, the young misfits, they don’t even know I exist. And though I know my family and friends love and support me, I often feel like I have to fight them for the time, space, and respect required to write.

I’d never have to defend my time again if I stopped today. Never have to swallow my irritation at comments about this “hobby” or put up with another person telling me – in word or deed – that they don’t consider the countless hours I pour in “real” work.

My career would never take the back seat to someone else’s desires again if I didn’t have one.

Logical Miriam knows this is stupid. To quit is to choose failure. To embrace defeat.

And yet.

Earlier today, I was watching Tiktok instead of working and I came across a video on cynicism as a sign of burn out which resonated. But at the same time I was like… nahhhh.

How could I be burnt out when I haven’t even been at work? It doesn’t make sense.

And yet, I fit all the Signs of Burnout listed on helpguide.org except using food drugs or alcohol to cope.

Interestingly, a lot of the tips online for dealing with burn out focus on work as the cause, with encouragement to find a different job or field – something more fulfilling. But I do find my work fulfilling – writing is incredibly satisfying!

It’s also insurmountable. I am never going to create a book completely free of typos or formatting errors. I’m never going to be able to express myself so that my words can’t be misinterpreted. I’m never going to sell enough copies to break even on the money my husband has invested in me and if I did my books would probably be banned in more countries than not because the world isn’t ready for freaks like me to be mainstream. I’m never going to have all the skills I need – or all the hours I need – to reach the bottom of my to-do list.

When I was in high-school (the second time) people would say “You only need x to pass.” And I’d reply “I’m not here to pass, I’m here to do well.”

I feel the same about my career. And yet, I’m not sure I can do well. Success isn’t a given, no matter how hard you work.

Quitting however? That’s achievable. I could do that in a single day.

Miriam Caelus is a generally up-beat lucky optimist. Ze writes YA urban and second-world epic fantasies powered by soy lattes. When ze’s not writing, Miriam cooks dinners that make hir children cry, plays with stickers, kills plants in hir greenhouse and practises witchcraft. If you want to connect, your best bet is an old-fashioned email; ze is currently disillusioned by social media.