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LDRs & children. How to cope when the visit ends.
A lot of people in long distance relationships have this belief that when they finally close the distance that’s it, it’s over. A part of their history. Something they survived and they can look back on nostalgically. For those of us who fell in love online with someone in another country however, it never goes away. The distance is always and will always be part of our relationships.
I haven’t slept with a headset on for over five years but today I have a similar crink in my neck, I have the fatigue of a bad night’s sleep, and that lost empty feeling where I don’t quite know what to do with myself. The goddesses are suffering from my long distance relationship too; they’re whiny, needy and quick to melt down.
It’s the day after Grandpa, Old Brumby, went home.
Elen seems largely unfazed. A little more tired than usual, but we all are. Bast is mopey and lonesome, crying at nothing and sucking her thumb. Artemis has gone almost completely non-verbal, communicating in grunts and a frustrated interpretive dance that builds into an incoherent full-bodied yowl. It’s been a long day. Tomorrow and the whole of next week are also likely to be long days
In my house we have a simple summary of this phenomena.
It’s the day after a big day (times a hundred.)
There isn’t a universe in which we wouldn’t do visits but it’s been in my best interest to find ways to minimise the fallout, and I wanted to share a few things that have worked for us. Whilst today was hard, we’ve had much worse “after” days in the past. I feel like I’ve got a pretty good handle on this shit now.
Firstly: with small kids they don’t always grasp the distance thing. It’s easy for them to believe that Old Brumby actually lives inside Daddy’s computer and periodically gets out into the lounge room for a three week stint before again disappearing. Because in their minds it’s a magical transition they don’t really get why we saw Grandpa yesterday but he’s not going to be here tomorrow. Life gets immeasurably easier once we break it down for them (though said breaking down can be very very tedious.)
Explaining distance is tricky. Even as an adult my brain still implodes a little bit when I’m trying to figure out what time it is for my friend in Romania, so it really helps having a few tools around when you’re enlightening the spawn. We have a nice story book, which I’ll speedy review at the bottom of this blog post, and a globe which have both helped.
The thing that has made the biggest difference, however, is dragging the kids to the airport. It’s tempting not to do it because it requires bustling them into the car before they would usually be awake, but there’s a marked difference in their ability to cope if they are involved in the drop-off. Seeing the planes, the people traveling, the staff in their uniforms etc. makes it all the more real for them. They understand this is the end of the visit.
Secondly: It’s tempting to just blow the routine right out the window during visits and holidays. Who wants to be home by nap or curtailed by early bedtimes when time is so precious and scarce? Not me! But that structure is the gaffa tape that holds their tiny pieces together so you need to keep the framework of your days more or less intact. Minimise the disruption to your lives and household.
Thirdly: Sometimes you have to ask your guests to room elsewhere. You’ll feel like a bit of a cunt and they might feel put-out, but if that’s what will ensure your family’s well-being you need to be brave enough to set that limit.
What difference does it make if your visitors sleep elsewhere if they spend all their waking hours with you anyway? Surprisingly, a lot. For children it’s a lesser disruption because it feels less permanent and nothing within the house has to change to accommodate more people. No furniture is moved, routines don’t have to change to accommodate guests (for example some guests feel uncomfortable with young children running around naked after baths, might require the household to go to bed earlier because they staying in the living room or might take umbrage to loud rushed mornings,) and there’s no additional “stuff” such as luggage either.
The later can have quite the positive effect on stressed adults in the house too. There’s a growing body of research on the psychological effects of clutter and I’m sure any parents reading this would agree that we have enough crap to pick up and vacuum around already. Most of the time an extra few pairs of shoes by the door or additional hoodies hanging on the backs of chairs aren’t really a big deal but if the household is already under stress those small things can be a tipping point.
Visitors sleeping elsewhere also gives the parents some privacy, and the introverted a chance to fully unwind. This is particularly important in cases where the family is recovering from an illness or injury (but does not require constant assistance) or after the birth of a baby. When a new family member is born that already shakes up the lives of previous children, they don’t need an even bigger disruption. So too are the lives of the parents turned upside down. The mum in particular may be craving privacy and personal space, and she’s already dying a little inside at the mess she’s physically unable to get up and deal with. She doesn’t need to be the flight director and housekeeper for your vacation, no matter how much she loves you or how much help you think your presence will be.
Lastly: Give the children a little extra grace to deal with the transition back to normal and help them draw the connections between the outburst over their favourite shirt not being washed and their sadness that the visit is over. Tell them it’s ok to miss their loved ones or even to be a little angry at the situation. Give them the opportunity to reconnect using technology to show them that they are loved no matter where in the world their tribe is distributed.
I’ve found that whilst I can get back to normal within twenty four hours the goddesses take roughly half the length of the visit to recover. For example if their grandparents are here a month I can expect an additional two weeks of tantrums, fights, sleep disturbances and meal rejections. If we go camping with the cousins for four days I factor in two extra days for the aftermath.
Remind yourself why they are acting out, take a few very deep breaths, then be the adult and help them get through it.
Feel free to share your tips in the comments below or reach out for a chat xx
At the Same Moment Around the World
I’m giving this book by Clotilde Perrin four stars. It simplifies a difficult concept and is a joy to read. Though we only meet each character for a moment, they are relatable for children and adults alike. The artwork is appealing and complex enough that you’ll still notice something new on your tenth re-read. The map in the back is a nice touch for older children but it’s pretty much destroyed in our copy, we didn’t get a whole lot of use out of it
My only real complaint is that some of the information is flawed/ not researched well enough. For example Kate, the Australian character, is said to be in the desert between “Ayers Rock” and Sydney and is driving toward the beach. For starters, it’s Uluru and a book published in 2014 shouldn’t be messing that one up. Secondly, I suppose it’s possible for Kate to be driving toward the beach, but it is 4pm so I hope she’s not planning on getting there today (or even tomorrow!)
Over all it’s a nice book that does what it’s supposed to do and I’d recommend it.
If you’d like to see more book reviews from me, I’m over here on Goodreads. Let’s be friends.