Your mate’s not okay. How do you help?

A response to RUOK? Day, Australia.

R U OK? Day encourages people to reach out and check up on each other. The core of this idea is good, despite how much Aussies pay out on it, but alone, asking your mates if they’re all right isn’t enough. Particularly if they’re not okay.

Now, I’ve got a bit of an advantage here. I’ve done a butt-tonne of therapy and spent years as a relationship advice columnist besides. I’ve also learnt through years of blogging that when I talk about my own struggles, people feel seen. They feel less alone. So, I’m already in the habit of being honest about how I feel, even when I’m feeling particularly broken.

What’s the first step?

The number one thing to do is the most obvious: ask them what they need, and then provide that help if you’re able. Unfortunately though, for many people, myself included, if we knew what would make it better, we’d be doing that thing already. Often it feels like there’s nothing that can be done to make things better, and occasionally a person is so far gone in their depression that they don’t want help any more. This is especially true for me when I’m self-harming.

It’s super rare that my depression gets that bad, but by the time I pick up a blade it’s too late. I will go to any length to hide what I’ve done to myself (or am doing).

Side quest: When I was 13 or 14 Mum realised something wasn’t right with me and sent me to a councillor. He told me during our first meeting that if I ever hurt myself or someone else, or felt the urge to, he would have to tell my parent. Everything else would remain confidential. So I saw him every week for nearly a year, cutting myself most days, starving myself, occasionally taking diet pills stolen from my friend’s parents, getting sicker and sicker until I became suicidal. I wonder what would have happened, had I had a professional I could’ve spoken to entirely confidentially. Of course, when my family did eventually find out, all my fears came true. I felt entirely justified in not opening up to them. /end side quest.

These days I know what I need: Someone to take away the things I am most-likely to harm myself with, but won’t shame me, guilt me, or otherwise make my mental illness about them. But knowing this doesn’t mean I can ask for it – because knowing what I need doesn’t make me want it. It’s the same as I know I will feel gross if I eat the whole packet of chocolate biscuits, and if someone put them on the high shelf so I couldn’t get to them I’d be grateful in the long run. But I really really want to gorge on chocolate biscuits, so I’m not going to hand them to my spouse and say, “don’t let me have this.”

What I will say is “I’m terrified I’ll eat that whole packet, they’re calling my name!” or “The urge to hurt myself is strong.” People who know and love me take that as the cue to replace the bickies or razor blades with dates or wax strips respectively.

All this is to say: maybe your person has asked for help to the best of their ability already. They have, in some small way, said what they need. Some people aren’t prone to drama. They don’t want to make a big deal of their issues or become a burden on others. Think over what they’ve said and see if they’ve given you something to work with.

Take them seriously. Even if they say it in a casual way. Even if they seem happy. Even if they are still going to work, still keeping house, still functioning normally – if someone tells you they are struggling or depressed, suicidal, dread waking up in the morning (or don’t want to), or that they want to hurt themselves don’t ignore their words.

 If they don’t know what they need, think about their situation and what you would want in their place, and then do that. Or, think about what all people need. Here are some examples:

• All people need food. Nourishing food that takes no effort to prepare is the best.
• All people need a home. Is their home secure? Do they need a little help with this week’s rent? Do they need a little bit of labour – a lawn mowed, the garbage taken out, a few supplies picked up from the hardware shop? Is their environment liveable? When we’re depressed our homes tend to fall by the way-side. Next time you pop in for a cuppa, casually fold the towels or empty the dishwasher. Call it nervous energy and thank them for giving you something to do while they chat with you.
• All people need rest. Can you take their child or dog for a walk so they can have a nap? Can you help with a sleeping mask or blackout blinds or a white noise machine? Can you send them a few funny memes at bedtime to get their mind off their woes before they go to sleep?
• All people need love. Can you send them a mixtape / play list to cheer them up? Can you support their hobby in some way? Can you show them how valuable they are to you, by letting them know the ways in which they enrich your life?

Sometimes we’d really like to aid our friends, but we’re worried about intruding. We don’t want to overstep our boundaries. Compounding this, so many of us grow up with the conditioning that accepting help is weakness, and so we say things like “oh, no really it’s okay, I’ve got this. You don’t need to. Very sweet, but I’m okay really.” When we should just say “thank you” and let ourselves be loved.

So let yourself be loved. And let yourself give love.

Yes, it will take time for us to undo our conditioning. But next time you hear yourself about to reject help because you feel guilty, I want you to hear my bogun Australian accent telling you, “stop – let yourself be loved!” And next time you want to help but you’re scared to, I want you to ask yourself: Isn’t it better to care too much, rather than not enough?

Miriam Cumming is an author, spouse, parent, and witch. Ne is also a life-long sufferer of depression, working hard to have better days, and to help others reach better days too. They’re not a medical professional, however, and this blog post should never replace help from a doctor or therapist. Thank you for reading.