Are you someone’s safe space? Or the opposite?

I need to get something off my chest. Something other than these damned annoying boobs – they’re staying unfortunately.

We’re going to Canada. We haven’t been home since 2018. It should be joyful, right?

Sadly, I’m more scared than excited. I love these people. I want to feel consumed by exhilaration and envision all the fun we’ll have together. But years of being treated like a circus curiosity, a novelty toy, or a straight-up problem have left me raw, and I know that being out as gender-queer is only going to compound that.

I know that some of our family and friends are homophobic. Some are proudly misogynist. A battle is coming.

This is a certainty.

Never have these people hesitated to comment on my body. My voice. My accent and the slanguage that’s as natural as breathing – I speak Australian even when I’m trying very hard not to. The clothes I wear. The way I dress my kids. The way I parent my kids. And most of all, our vegan diet.

Oh, how that offends them. I don’t know why people in North America care so very much about what other people eat, but they do. Why? I don’t comment on their diets. Or their bodies. I don’t try to help them choose meals at restaurants or bring up “oh but yours will have cow’s milk in it, it’s different”. They’ll tell me that plants have feelings, but if I mentioned that animals are sentient and feel pain in the same way we do, I’m trying to convert them. (I wouldn’t. What other people eat doesn’t concern me. But can you imagine if I did?)

So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that if I’m open about being non-binary I’m going to have to defend myself. And if I just swallow my self-loathing and cosplay as a woman, at least one person is going to catch that and ask if I’ve given up being non-binary – Because the internet exists. I am out at home, in my community, and on social media. There’s no easy path to take.

You would think there would be no real difference between Lower mainland Canada and Inner West Sydney, considering the similarities in our countries’ histories, but the differences are huge. I’ve said before that no one here cares about my weird religion or what I eat, and that’s been true for my gender too. The few questions I’ve gotten have been polite. Mostly people are welcoming and supportive. I’m sure there are people who don’t like witches or gender-queer vegans, but those people never get up in my grill about it.

I like to think most people just want to live their own lives, mind their business and be happy. Most people realise my happiness doesn’t take anything from them.

But Canada? Literally everything I do, say, or wear is a curiosity. I feel like a bug under a microscope. It makes me not want to go. I could just hide at home forever.

Why am I sharing this?

Because it’s good for all of us (me included) to consider if our interactions are well-intentioned and necessary. Are we asking questions that need to be answered by that specific friend, or is our question general enough that we could Google it later? Are we expecting our weird friend to represent their entire country or subculture? Are we planting subtle barbs into questions we want to pass off as innocent? (For example, pretending to show concern for people’s health but actually showing biases instead.)

Are our questions even welcome?

Some people are more than happy to educate and advocate. Others just want to be treated like people. Normal people.

Angry commenters online are like “I’m okay with trans people but why do they make it their whole personality?” or they complain about how vegans only talk about veganism – but sometimes that’s what we’re reduced to. If you bombard your trans friend with questions about their identity, but you never ask about their interests, their work, life, family etc, then yes it will seem like that’s the only facet of their personality. Likewise, if you’re hyperfixated on your friend’s weird diet, you’re going to miss out on all the wonderful fun parts of their personality.

Trust me on this: I don’t need you to attempt to copy my accent or to correct the way I pronounce simple words. I already feel like a freak.

I like to think we’re all growing. Always improving, and seeking to understand, and doing better. Can we let our differences make us stronger? Because we’re on the same team, sharing our skills and building each other up. We don’t all need to be the same. We don’t need to understand each other to respect each other. And no one should feel afraid to go home for the holidays.

Miriam Cumming is the green sheep of the family – you’ll find hir sleeping behind a bush. Being a self-employed author, over-caffeinated parent, and queer witch sure keeps life interesting (and exhausting). Ze has been blogging since 2009; connecting with people through sharing embarrassing life stories and rants. If this blog helped you, please share it forward.