Third Gender Thoughts

Something I hear all the time in the non-binary community is that society sees us as a “third gender” when really non-binary is an umbrella that covers many genders – all that fall outside the binary.

There are a lot of nuances between these genders. You can’t for a moment think that agender, xenogender, and androgyne are the same thing, and yet they are all non-binary. No two non-binary genders move through the world in the same way.

Agender – without gender. Genderless.
Xenogender – unconstrained by human understandings of gender; more concerned with crafting other methods of gender categorisation and hierarchy such as those relating to animals, plants, or other creatures/things.
Androgyne – being between man and woman, between masculine and feminine, or simply ‘in between.’

Thanks non-binary wiki.

This argument is completely valid, and maybe I should give society at large more credit, but at this point in my journey, I just want to exist. This idea of lumping all non-binary identities together into a single category opens up a path for that visibility. There become enough of us to be counted.

Most of the time the conversations I have with people outside the queer community don’t touch on anything beyond the binary. It’s all men vs women. Girls and boys. Jokes deeply rooted in gender stereotypes. They’re talking a language I don’t understand over a meal I’m not invited to. I’m standing outside, looking in through a window. Not only do I not exist to them, but none of the non-binary community do. And I don’t want visibility just for myself – I want it for all of us. We all deserve a place at that table.

But alone, we are few. The percent of agender people in society is small. How many Xenogendered people exist? How many bi and tri gendered people are there? What percentage of the population is neutrois or androgyne or demigendered? In any given crowd, you’re almost guaranteed not to get a representative of all the different genders out there. But you are likely to have some kind of non-binary or gender-non-conforming person present.

When we stand together, we’re visible. Women tend to experience womanhood slightly different from each other too – there’s not just one way to be a woman or a man. There is no singular experience of any gender, not even the binary ones. And yes, every individual matters, but applied practically? Society tends to serve the majority. If most people are happy, it’s good enough. Often if minorities are catered to, they’re lumped together.

Ever notice how companies will bring out a gluten free option that is also vegan, instead of doing two separate products? GF and V are not the same thing, but the number of times I’ve said I’m vegan and people have said “that’s the one where you can’t eat bread, right?” is truly hilarious. Sometimes it’s a money thing, sometimes it’s a laziness thing… but it is A THING. So, non-binary being treated as a third gender… it doesn’t bother me. It feels like progress.

Not all men are the same. Not all women are the same. Not all enbies are the same. But we’re all people with human needs, human rights, and responsibilities.

Let’s reach the day where there’s a yellow place mat every time there are pink and blue on the table. Let us step up and be seen as variations of normal in our homes and workplaces and schools. Let our existence be reflected in language and on forms and yes, even in stereotype. And then there will be a safe space for us to add nuance.

It is much easier to explain the differences between gluten free and vegan to someone who’s actually heard of alternative diets, than to someone who has never branched out past meat and three veg.

Miriam Cumming is a practising witch, fantasy author, and an exhausted parent. When they aren’t trying to find their place in the world, they like to play video games or wind down with a good book.