You’ve asked “Can I help?” but then what?

I don’t hide the fact I have mental health issues. My kids know it. My mates know it. My readers know it, too. Hiding my depression and social anxiety doesn’t help anyone, it just perpetuates the stigma. So, when people ask me how I am I tell the truth.

I’ve had a lot of different reactions over the years from the not-helpful “but you always feel depressed in winter” to uncomfortable silence, and most often “Can I help at all?”

Before I get into that question, let me just say that an uncomfortable giggle or simply ignoring a person isn’t the right response when someone says they want to go to sleep tonight and never wake up.

I’m not an expert and there isn’t a no-fail response that will make it all better, but ignoring someone that distressed tells them you don’t care.

Instead, try:
“I love you and I’d miss you terribly.”
“I wish I could make it better”
Or even “I’m sorry you feel that way.”
If you’re really worried: “Don’t do that to your kids/Mum.” Guilt is a powerful motivator, and if you need to use it to keep your friend in this world, do so. It’s a lot more effective than “You have so much to live for,” because whilst that’s true, they don’t have the ability to see or feel it, but they do still love their family.

If you think they are receptive you could try to draw them out with a joke or promise of a hot breakfast tomorrow. Get them from this moment to the next one.

Whatever you do, take them seriously. Silence is never an acceptable response when someone tells you they want to die.

I get that I speak in hyperbole a lot, so my nearest and dearest could mistake my words for exaggeration, despite my history of self harm and depression, but yeah, I’m not joking. And even if your mates are into making off-colour jokes, dear lord, take that shit seriously. It’s hard to ask for help, they might be covering their need with a joke in case they get rejected.

Okay, so, is there anything you can do?

Sadly, I don’t know. At least I don’t when the clouds of depression are thick. See, there’s the thing. If I knew how to make it better, I’d have made it better already. I am already doing everything I can think of to dig myself out of this cloud bank. I’m eating healthy shit, even when my brain says I’m not hungry or I’m not good-looking enough to feed. I’m getting up and functioning, looking after my kids, going to the gym, doing my work. I’m sleeping normally (that is to say slightly less than I should haha) and spending time in the sun. I’m resting. I take the pressure off as much as I can when an episode hits. But still blue days turn into long grey weeks, and sometimes I begin to believe the only way out is on a boat, over the river Styx. (You don’t need to tell me how stupid that is, I know.)

The other thing is, often I don’t feel like I deserve help, like I’m not sick enough. People with serious depression can’t get out of bed; I can. It’s hard, but I continue to function, so I “know” that I’m just bunging it on. I can “snap out of it” at any moment. Which isn’t true, but my brain goes on with a whole load of crap, you know?

Let’s talk about the shame, just for a moment. I’m all about busting the stigma, but I still feel like a total moron once an episode clears and I go back to being stable. I’m embarrassed about how I acted, the things I said, the deadlines I missed. Sane Miriam doesn’t get what unstable Miriam’s problem was, but the whole of me is sorry for being a burden.

Anyway, I thought now would be a good time to gather some advice and share it forward. Maybe next time the clouds come and people ask me if there’s anything they can do, I can point them in the direction of this blog. Here’s a handy list:

• Google what you can do to help, don’t ask the depressed person. Don’t put that burden on someone who is already overwhelmed.
• Independently educate yourself about their mental illness. Depression, for example, can take many forms, it isn’t just expressed as sadness. Knowing the basics of how it works will help you be a good support person. But if you’ve never had it, don’t pretend you understand. Depression is not sadness.
• Validate their feelings.
• Help them with their housework. A dirty house often seems impossible to deal with, but it contributes directly to depression, especially mold. This is the easiest most effective thing you can do to help. If you’re not local, consider organising a one-time clean with a company that is local.
• Take them out to get groceries, or send supplies to their house.
• Go over and put some music on, or send them a song as a pick-me-up.
• Invite them out, and let them know you’ll be cool if they need to bail. (I probably don’t want to go with you, but I’m going to be sad if I don’t get the invite, because it tells me that you want me there.)
• Don’t give advice or try to fix your friend.
• Air out their house, or sage it. 
• Don’t get angry with your friend or argue with them over their apathy. Listen, I know how annoying depressed people are, I am one. Your friend is already annoyed with themselves. Taking your frustration out on the depressed person is the opposite of helping. Put up some boundaries if you need to, and go calm down, but don’t think your anger will be a motivating force to help them pull it together. It doesn’t work like that.
• If it’s getting out of hand or they are giving signs that they are suicidal call their therapist. If they don’t have a therapist, help them take the steps to get one.
• Let them know you will be there for them no matter how long it takes them to feel better.
• Don’t shame them for taking medication or ask them if they really need their “happy pills”.
• Lastly, many people with depression have a vague “I don’t want to be here anymore” feeling. They aren’t actively suicidal but they wouldn’t mind terribly if a horrible accident bumped them off. If your friend starts saying things like “My parents/spouse wouldn’t care if I died” or “My children will be better off without me,” then you need to take them to the hospital right away. Don’t let them talk you out of it. These words are a huge red flag, you need to get them help immediately.

This list isn’t perfect by a long shot, but it’s a place to start, and with the rise of depression and anxiety disorders in our societies a place to start is crucial. It’s important to remember as a support person that your mental health matters too. You need to be focusing on your self-care, not just looking after other people. When the plane is going down, you put your own oxygen on first, remember that.

Thank you for reading, and for looking after me when the clouds come.

Miriam Cumming has suffered with depression off-and-on since puberty. She manages her mental health through diet and lifestyle choices, and wins against illness on most days. The number for Lifeline (in Australia) is 13 11 14. Never be afraid to ask for help.